kingfu.co.uk

Bullshit & Ignorance

October 22, 2012

Oh look a post

Yeah. I know. I haven’t posted in fucking ages. Had other stuff to do. However, I was sat at my PC doing webby stuff recently and so decided to write some stuff here, since doing so will no doubt massively improve the mean average quality of the internet in general. Seriously.

So what have I been up to the last however-the-fuck many months it’s been I hear you say? Mostly I’ve been shooting people. I get paid to do it these days. It’s pretty excellent. Training with various law enforcement agencies in these here You-knighted states. I get to be the bad guy. So they’re all “HEY YOU STOP THAT” and I’m all BLAMBLAMBLAM. I’d be more specific about it, but I signed an agreement to say I wouldn’t be, because they don’t want people knowing what happens in their training scenarios. Trust me though, it’s fun.

Also there are goats now. I don’t think there were goats the last time I wrote stuff here. There may have been, but I’m too lazy to look at previous posts. So yeah. Goats. They eat stuff and shit a lot. They also give us milk, which can become cheese. Just so you know, the goat milk/cheese you buy that tastes like arse is pasturised. There’s a protein in it that breaks down at the temperatures used to pasturise milk that adds that arse flavour. Rather than drink arse-flavoured milk, we just test the goats for the diseases that pasturising gets rid of. So we have milk that tastes of milk, not arse and don’t die of TB or anything. Good shit, hey?

Man. I tell you when I first started this blog I didn’t ever expect to a) be talking about goats or b) use the word pasturise anywhere so much.

What else? Hrm… oh yeah. Was my birthday on the 19th. There should have been a parade or something.

I helped to harass the chief sports writer (or whatever his fucking job title is) of Swindon’s local rag into asking an experienced diplomat who recently became Chairman of Swindon Town F.C. what his favourite cheese was. I consider that a great victory for all mankind.

Obviously there’s been other stuff too. I’m just too lazy to tell you about it.

August 31, 2011

Okay so apparently this is habit forming

Yes, I made another chicken comic thing. ANOTHER ONE. Rah.

Scene from princess bride played out by chickens -- INCONCEIVABLE

August 30, 2011

Poultry in Motion

Say hello to my leetle hen!

Yes. That’s right, another chicken comic thing. How’d you like them apples, eh? Or chickens. They’re not apples.

August 15, 2011

So I watched some films

I know right? Me watching films? Practically unheard of.

Some of the stuff I have been watching came from Netflix, which, as an aside a whole bunch of people are all ‘OMG’ about because they recently changed their prices in an upwards direction for some of their services. Personally I don’t care for the following reasons:

  1. The old price used to include the discs we get sent as well as access to streaming content. We’re on a crappy satellite connection (which sadly is the best option available to us) which means that you pretty much can’t stream movies anyway since it would swallow up our entire bandwidth limit and take 3 times longer to watch than it should while it buffered every 10 seconds. For us, it has made little to no difference — in fact, it costs us less for the service we actually use than it used to.
  2. It’s a subscription service. They’re a business there to make money. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. Crying about the deep injustice of a fucking film rental service putting their prices up a bit strikes me as one of the most stupid things people have had to whine about in a long time. Go get some perspective, you shower of fucking clown shoes.

Okay, well, that was something of an unplanned rant! Back to what I originally sat down here to write. Stuff. About films. Okay, I remember. Let’s try this again.

Stay Alive

I actually haven’t seen the end of this yet, but I will and I sincerely doubt seeing the end of it will change my opinion on it dramatically. The basic outline is that some kids get a computer game that’s haunted or something along those lines and people start dying in messy ways. The only cast member I recognised was Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle) who is playing a geeky kid. So…Malcolm again, but in a horror movie really..

The film gets an average rating of 4.6 on IMDB which honestly I think is harsh. A couple of one-star reviews I read on it just further add to my belief that user-contributed rating systems are increasingly losing any value they may once have had. I’ll spare you that rant for another day though and just say that yes, Stay Alive is at best a B-movie time killer. The story has some nice ideas, but the characters are fairly weak and the plot progression is predictable. That’s not to say it wasn’t fun though. I think there’s an element of ‘take it for what it is’ with all films of this kind. It’s not ever going to be a cinematic masterpiece. Don’t watch low-budget horror movies if you’re expecting cinematic genius.

A fun time killer with a few well shot jumpy-moments and a reasonable production quality. If you enjoy this kind of thing then you’d probably get some entertainment from this film.

Unthinkable

I picked this one up out of a $5 bin in walmart because, well it was $5 and I hadn’t seen it, and it has Samuel L. Mother Fucking Jackson in it and he’s usually worth the price of admission to watch. I wasn’t disappointed, in fact, I was pleasantly surprised.

This is a really good film. Don’t get me wrong — again, it’s no masterpiece. It’s just that it addresses some really, really interesting issues. Also, Mr. Jackson is, as usual, entertaining to watch. The story keeps moving along at a decent pace and there are some really well presented twists in the plot. Definitely worth a watch.

August 10, 2011

What country are you from?

The English motherfucker, do you speak it scene from Pulp fiction done with pictures of fluffy chickens. No, really

Clicky-clicky the image to make it bigger if you want to! Or don’t, I don’t much care either way!

August 8, 2011

We’ll keep the red flag flying high

Swindon Town FC badge. A shield rimmed in gold with a red steam train at the top, a gold football in the centre with band running diagonally through it which reads Swindon Town FC there is a harlequin pattern on the rest of the shield with two red and two white squares. The top left square is red with a white robin in it. The bottom right has the date 1879. Beneath the badge is a scroll which reads Salubrita et Industria

I can’t remember, but I have a feeling the only times I’ve talked about football on the previous incarnations of sites I’ve hosted on this domain, it was with reference to the England team and their variable levels of success in major tournaments. I do of course also support a club team, my home town team, Swindon Town.

I have been a fan ever since the day, when I was about 5 years old, that I opened a packet of Panini football stickers and was treated to a glittery foil sticker. The logo on the sticker had a bull’s head on it and my young impressionable mind was thoroughly impressed. Right up until my older brother smacked me upside the head for showing any kind of delight at the Oxford United badge. I then received a balanced and fair explanation about how the pox were a blight on humanity and must, must be opposed at every turn. I didn’t really understand a word of it, but Swindon wear red and I liked red so I was okay with that choice of team instead. Also there was a train on the Swindon badge and trains were cool, Thomas the tank engine was a train not unlike the one on the Swindon badge so yeah, I was sold.

My career as a member of the ‘Barmy army’ started slowly, with me being taken along to a handful of games a year, until I was sufficiently self-sufficient to buy my own tickets, then I started attending games more and more regularly, until I was going to more or less every game home and away. Good times. Then I got a job that required me to work on Saturdays and fucked that right up. But anyway, I supported the team and followed the results wherever they took us, even if I couldn’t be there in person, I’d listen to the games on the radio or watch them on TV on the rare occasion someone deemed a game involving Swindon to be TV worthy.

During my time at University, I discovered after a couple of weeks that a new friend I’d made was one of the dreaded pox. This person I had been drinking with almost daily for weeks was an Oxford fan…and yet he seemed to be a human being, too, and a fairly likable one at that. We decided to stay friends anyway rather than stabbing each other with broken bottles and things, since that would have been awkward during seminars and lectures. We kept our rivalry good natured, restricting it to the occasional smart crack and the fact that when we played pool in the pub, I was always the red balls and he was always the yellow.

Why, you may be asking yourself, the fuck is he rambling on about supporting a League 2 football team on this here interwebs? I will answer that question:

Well, aside from the fact that this is my blog and can therefore write whatever the fuck I want on it (you cheeky bastard), I am giving background so that the following ramble about more recent football related things has some context. So there.

Right. Where was I? Oh yes, Virginia. That’s why this came up you see. I now living in the far away land of America, where people think football is that silly egg-chasing game where they all dress funny and spend a lot of time standing about and every now and then someone throws a ball and they all run about for 10 seconds, fall over and then stop and stand around for a while again. Wait, I need to give more background I guess, since some people are not familiar with the fortunes of STFC for some reason. The 09/10 season saw Swindon reach the League One play off finals. We all got a jolly fun day out at Wembley (that’s a big stadium in London in case you are unaware) where we were shit and lost to Millwall. Boo. No promotion for us but a good season anyway. 10/11 Season was a total disaster. We went into freefall and despite being promotion contenders the previous season, ended up planted firmly at the bottom of the table. This brings us to the 11/12 season (That’s this one, what has just started okay? following me so far? Good). Having got shot of a couple of hopeless managers, the chairman stepped down and a new fella, Jeremy Wray (Not the professional skateboarder), took on the job. The board then appointed Paolo Di Canio (PdC) as our new manager. This is an interesting choice for the following reasons:

  • Although he was a superb player in his day, PdC has never managed a football club before.
  • PdC is quite happy to tell the world that he’s a fascist. He has told the media before all about how he admires Mussolini. He has been fined on a number of occasions for giving the ‘Roman Salute’ to fans during games.

I believe a minor sponsor withdrew their sponsorship as a result of the decision to appoint him. However, a high profile former player, particularly a controversial one like him has generated a buzz about the club. Early concerns about his lack of experience seem to have been allayed as the pre-season campaign progressed.

Right, back to where I was before I forget and ramble off on a tangent. I’m living in Virginia where football is the silly egg chasing game. The match coverage on the BBC radio stuff seems to be unavailable overseas via the intertubes, so I am left with text-reports on the match. I created a twitter account just so I could follow twitter feeds related to the games and other news about the club. Watching the game via a text feed on the BBC website reminded me a lot of playing football manager games. I feel a bit like I’m playing Champ manager or something, only I’m only watching a demo or something, since I cant do any of the things myself. Despite everything, I’m still having a lot of fun following the club this season. I may not get to see a single minute of a game this year but I will still keep the red flag flying high.

July 8, 2011

Maybe I’m just a cynic

So during my daily perusal of the morning news, I found myself reading this article about Man City’s Craig Bellamy – a top-flight professional footballer for those of you to whom that means nothing.

Craig it seems, sees himself as something of a philanthropist. While discussing the possibility of a wage cut to facilitate a move to another club, Bellamy tells the Telegraph newspaper that he couldn’t possibly do that, because he has charity commitments who depend upon him. He has an academy in Sierra Leone, where he has 13 kids who he has to take care of “..day in, day out. [His] wages are more important to them, than they are for [him].”

What a guy. But wait. The wages he won’t take a cut in are a fairly fucking staggering £80,000 a week. A WEEK. Craig, fella, the average yearly wage in Sierra Leone is around $200. At current exchange rates that’s what, 125 quid?

If a big earning professional sports person can use their earning potential to provide cash to charities then I’m not knocking that. That’s fair enough. But to claim you can’t possibly take a cut in wages from £80k a week because of it sounds like bullshit to me. Maybe we need an infomerical thingy to help him out.

Every year, top sports personalities like Craig have to work for less money. They still have to spend the same few hours a week chasing a ball around a pitch, but this year, without your help, Craig will only earn £60,000 a week. Give what you can today to help Craig help a dozen kids in Sierra Leone, while still driving around in a Ferrari or whatever. Our volunteers are waiting for your call.

July 7, 2011

On the subject of Amazon reviews

What the fuck goes through someone’s head before they write and submit a review for something on Amazon that is thousands of words long? Whether it’s a wall of text without a single paragraph break, or broken down into sections and sub-sections, it’s still kinda mind boggling. If I went looking for a review of something I was considering buying, I might pay some attention to Dr. A. Herpenderp, renowned thingyologist, a leader in the field of whatever the fuck I was looking at, but even then I’d probably just skim over a fucking dissertation on it, especially if that something is a fucking CD or video game, or a toaster or whatever.

I mean, cool, if I was looking at spending millions on a private jet or a yacht; or some fancible surgical equipment or other space-aged tech or something, I might be inclined to spend the time to carefully research the topic but a toaster? Really?

Then there are the people who give shit low ratings because they had a bad customer service experience with Amazon, or with whoever the fuck delivered it to them. That’s not a PRODUCT REVIEW you twats. I don’t care if you had a bad experience buying it, I want to know if the fucking THING does what it’s meant to. Also, why the fuck are you giving something a bad review because it does exactly what it’s meant to, but you wanted something that does something else entirely and bought it by mistake? I fail to see how that is the fault of the product.

Okay, rant over.

June 30, 2011

Spore

I recently dug Spore out again and installed it and have been playing it. Although it’s fun, it was also always slightly disappointing to me. Pre-release it sounded really exciting. Totally new and innovative and generally excellent. I don’t know if a lot of the talk about it at that point was just hype, or if Maxis simply couldn’t manage to implement a lot of what they seemed to be planning to in those early stages. In short, it felt like it got dumbed down.

The cell stage is fun. I’ve always liked it. It’s simple, but that’s part of its appeal I think. You swim around, collecting cell parts, eating things and generally stabbing other cells in the face in the race to evolve. It’s the sort of thing that would make a neat little game for a phone these days.

Then you evolve to the creature stage. This is where most of the creature building happens. You scamper around the planet on your newly evolved legs, tearing the faces off of the many weird species you encounter (Or singing and dancing and shit if you feel so inclined). You once again collect up parts, and accumulate DNA so you can fly in the face of creationism and evolve into a bigger, better creature. This stage I also enjoy, although after the first few times it can get a little repetitive. So once you’ve charmed or massacred your way along the evolutionary path, and expanded your tiny brain to such a degree you can discover fire, you can move into the tribal stage. This for me is where things go a little wrong.

The tribal and civilisation stages are kinda half arsed. The game goes from single-creature-focus, to you controlling first a whole little tribe of your beasties, then the vehicles of your civilisation. Both stages have elements of RTS about them. You build your village/city, you produce your units, you win over the other villages and cities with force, persuasion or in the civilisation stage, cash money, yo. It’s all a bit limited though. There’s not much variation here. There’s no tech tree, no rock/paper/scissors arrangements of units to balance out when building your forces and so on. It’s extremely simplified and as such, for me, feels too easy and really largely pointless.

Then you leap into space, and we’re back to single-unit focus. The space stage is a little limited too, but still entertaining. I could moan about the limited variety in missions, but I won’t. It’s still pretty fun.

I know it’s pretty old now in computer game terms, but I still think of Spore as an underachiever. After all the hype and promises, the finished product lacked sparkle. Still fun, easy to sink hours into without realising you have, but not the masterpiece it could have been.

June 7, 2011

The Future is Medieval

So the Kaiser Chiefs new album, The Future is Medieval, has been released in an odd way. If you visit their website, http://www.kaiserchiefs.com, you can create your own album. They have a little web based application that lets you select 10 of 20 tracks, then using some supplied artwork you can create an album cover to go with it. The images you get to work with are, as far as I can tell, linked to which tracks you select. Once you’ve created your album, you can buy it for £7.50 and download it. All the albums that are made can also be downloaded by other people, and for each one of yours that gets downloaded, you get paid £1.

It’s a neat concept, it’s kinda fun and I suspect it won’t be the last time we see this kind of initiative from bands.

I played with it for a while, didn’t actually buy the album though. The available tracks were a bit on the bland side for my tastes. A shame, because I quite like some of their earlier stuff.

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