kingfu.co.uk

Bullshit & Ignorance

August 15, 2011

So I watched some films

I know right? Me watching films? Practically unheard of.

Some of the stuff I have been watching came from Netflix, which, as an aside a whole bunch of people are all ‘OMG’ about because they recently changed their prices in an upwards direction for some of their services. Personally I don’t care for the following reasons:

  1. The old price used to include the discs we get sent as well as access to streaming content. We’re on a crappy satellite connection (which sadly is the best option available to us) which means that you pretty much can’t stream movies anyway since it would swallow up our entire bandwidth limit and take 3 times longer to watch than it should while it buffered every 10 seconds. For us, it has made little to no difference — in fact, it costs us less for the service we actually use than it used to.
  2. It’s a subscription service. They’re a business there to make money. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. Crying about the deep injustice of a fucking film rental service putting their prices up a bit strikes me as one of the most stupid things people have had to whine about in a long time. Go get some perspective, you shower of fucking clown shoes.

Okay, well, that was something of an unplanned rant! Back to what I originally sat down here to write. Stuff. About films. Okay, I remember. Let’s try this again.

Stay Alive

I actually haven’t seen the end of this yet, but I will and I sincerely doubt seeing the end of it will change my opinion on it dramatically. The basic outline is that some kids get a computer game that’s haunted or something along those lines and people start dying in messy ways. The only cast member I recognised was Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle) who is playing a geeky kid. So…Malcolm again, but in a horror movie really..

The film gets an average rating of 4.6 on IMDB which honestly I think is harsh. A couple of one-star reviews I read on it just further add to my belief that user-contributed rating systems are increasingly losing any value they may once have had. I’ll spare you that rant for another day though and just say that yes, Stay Alive is at best a B-movie time killer. The story has some nice ideas, but the characters are fairly weak and the plot progression is predictable. That’s not to say it wasn’t fun though. I think there’s an element of ‘take it for what it is’ with all films of this kind. It’s not ever going to be a cinematic masterpiece. Don’t watch low-budget horror movies if you’re expecting cinematic genius.

A fun time killer with a few well shot jumpy-moments and a reasonable production quality. If you enjoy this kind of thing then you’d probably get some entertainment from this film.

Unthinkable

I picked this one up out of a $5 bin in walmart because, well it was $5 and I hadn’t seen it, and it has Samuel L. Mother Fucking Jackson in it and he’s usually worth the price of admission to watch. I wasn’t disappointed, in fact, I was pleasantly surprised.

This is a really good film. Don’t get me wrong — again, it’s no masterpiece. It’s just that it addresses some really, really interesting issues. Also, Mr. Jackson is, as usual, entertaining to watch. The story keeps moving along at a decent pace and there are some really well presented twists in the plot. Definitely worth a watch.

July 8, 2011

Maybe I’m just a cynic

So during my daily perusal of the morning news, I found myself reading this article about Man City’s Craig Bellamy – a top-flight professional footballer for those of you to whom that means nothing.

Craig it seems, sees himself as something of a philanthropist. While discussing the possibility of a wage cut to facilitate a move to another club, Bellamy tells the Telegraph newspaper that he couldn’t possibly do that, because he has charity commitments who depend upon him. He has an academy in Sierra Leone, where he has 13 kids who he has to take care of “..day in, day out. [His] wages are more important to them, than they are for [him].”

What a guy. But wait. The wages he won’t take a cut in are a fairly fucking staggering £80,000 a week. A WEEK. Craig, fella, the average yearly wage in Sierra Leone is around $200. At current exchange rates that’s what, 125 quid?

If a big earning professional sports person can use their earning potential to provide cash to charities then I’m not knocking that. That’s fair enough. But to claim you can’t possibly take a cut in wages from £80k a week because of it sounds like bullshit to me. Maybe we need an infomerical thingy to help him out.

Every year, top sports personalities like Craig have to work for less money. They still have to spend the same few hours a week chasing a ball around a pitch, but this year, without your help, Craig will only earn £60,000 a week. Give what you can today to help Craig help a dozen kids in Sierra Leone, while still driving around in a Ferrari or whatever. Our volunteers are waiting for your call.

July 7, 2011

On the subject of Amazon reviews

What the fuck goes through someone’s head before they write and submit a review for something on Amazon that is thousands of words long? Whether it’s a wall of text without a single paragraph break, or broken down into sections and sub-sections, it’s still kinda mind boggling. If I went looking for a review of something I was considering buying, I might pay some attention to Dr. A. Herpenderp, renowned thingyologist, a leader in the field of whatever the fuck I was looking at, but even then I’d probably just skim over a fucking dissertation on it, especially if that something is a fucking CD or video game, or a toaster or whatever.

I mean, cool, if I was looking at spending millions on a private jet or a yacht; or some fancible surgical equipment or other space-aged tech or something, I might be inclined to spend the time to carefully research the topic but a toaster? Really?

Then there are the people who give shit low ratings because they had a bad customer service experience with Amazon, or with whoever the fuck delivered it to them. That’s not a PRODUCT REVIEW you twats. I don’t care if you had a bad experience buying it, I want to know if the fucking THING does what it’s meant to. Also, why the fuck are you giving something a bad review because it does exactly what it’s meant to, but you wanted something that does something else entirely and bought it by mistake? I fail to see how that is the fault of the product.

Okay, rant over.

June 3, 2011

I feel an urge to rant

So I will.

The following driving related things piss me off:

  • Fog lights (as previously mentioned. Fuck you fog lights).
  • People who move into the outside lane of a two-lane road/dual carriageway and then proceed to drive at less than the speed limit. Fuck you. Why should I have to break the law by passing you on the inside just because you’re a fucking wanksock?
  • People who wait until you pull out to pass them because they’re driving well below the speed limit, then notice you passing them and speed up. What is wrong with you people?
  • People who move out to pass you, then slow down and sit in your blindspot. Good job, twatspoons.

There. I feel better already.

May 21, 2011

Velocirapture

Some nutbar went around telling people the ‘rapture’ was supposed to happen today. It didn’t. Bloody cheek if you ask me, going around announcing the apocalypse then not actually having one.

I was expecting to see choirs of angels coming down, lead by Jesus riding a velociaptor. Granted it’s not meant to happen until 6pm, but since it’s already later than that in some parts of the world, I’m hedging my bets that Harold Camping was just wrong, wrong, wrongity-wrong-wrong-wrong. Sucks to be you, Harry.

January 3, 2011

Wait, was that another decade that just went by?

Where’s my fucking flying car? That’s what I want to know. We’re living in the future and sure, we have some pretty cool technology and all, but we were definitely sold short on the flying cars and rocket packs.

2010 was a pretty big year for me personally, what with me moving to another continent and getting married and all. It was a pretty interesting year for British politics, too. I mean, a Conservative/LibDem Coalition? Really? I wouldn’t have believed it a year ago. That’s not what we (well not really me at this point I guess) actually got though, is it? Seems to me what the British public really got was a Tory government with Nick Clegg bolted on (by his lips. To Cameron’s arse) doing a great job of destroying any and all credibility the LibDems are likely to have…pretty much ever again. Good job, fella.

Anyway. Happy New Year to all!

November 26, 2010

You know what I hate?

Fog lights. Fuck you, fog lights.

September 20, 2010

An Open Letter to Terry Stone

Dear Terry,

I understand that there’s a chance that the commenter on my previous post about you being a talentless hack may just be a troll, who has used your name, domain name and email address to comment, but for the sake of lulz, I’ll assume it really is you and take this opportunity to respond.

Firstly, with regard to your suggestion about changing my name, it’s good to know you’re as witty as you are talented as an actor, Terry. Allow me also to extend to you my congratulations. Clearly your acting career, if we can call it that, is going from strength to strength when you have the time to respond to your critics personally. Especially since the criticism in this instance was a short, throw-away post on an obscure blog on these here intertubes.

Searching for Terry Stone will bring up my little rant about you on the first page of a number of popular search engines. Ouch. Time to sack your publicist, Terry. Trouble is, you see, that by posting your witty comment and including a link to your website in the comment, you’re telling the search engines that my post about you has direct relevance to your own website. Nice. Also, I’d forgotten all about you, but now I’m here writing about you again, which means that even more internet traffic searching for you is going to find its way here.

It’s all good, Terry. You keep banging out those straight to DVD cinematic treats you’re uh, well I was going to say ‘famed for’ but that’s probably stretching it. Let’s settle for ‘sort of recognised for sometimes by a very small subset of people, mostly those who remember you as Terry Turbo’ instead, shall we? If you’d like some advice on which roles to look for, I’d suggest looking out for another Robin Hood movie. They always need trees, and you have wooden down man, like no one does wooden like you.

Yours Sincerely,

King[Fu]

September 3, 2010

I may have mellowed

I may have mellowed some from my rage-filled-rants of the early 90s, but there are still some things that set me off. If there’s one thing liable to set me off at the moment, it’s people walking along the street, sitting on buses and trains or pretty much anywhere in public, listening to music on their phones, without using headphones.

I’m well aware this is a pretty trivial thing to get The Rage™ about, but seriously, it annoys the fuck out of me. It’s bad enough that the kind of people who do this tend to favour bland, mass produced R&B and the like, which they inflict on everyone around them, but the fact we’re forced to endure it being played through a small, tinny speaker just increases my desire to punch them in the throat.

I don’t, of course because these days I’m a well adjusted, responsible member of society[1]; but I’m fairly sure not only would I take great pleasure from dashing their prized phone to the floor and crushing it under the heel of one of my size 11s, before preaching to them from the book of violence, but that I would receive a standing ovation from other passers by or passengers as I did so.

Okay, I’ve got that off my chest now. You may feel free to carry on about your business. Nothing to see here.

[1] What? I am! Stop laughing…Yeah, you. I can see you. Just stop it…

July 22, 2010

I have been remiss

The substantial gap between posts on this here intertubes site is simply a result of me being busy and lacking time and/or motivation to ramble on about much of anything. Although, if you consider the gap of almost five years that it took me to get around to redesigning the site and actually populating it with anything again, a little over a month is a drop in the ocean. You should probably be arranging some kind of parade in my honour in celebration of the fact I returned to share my insightful musings with you at all. Probably.

One of the things that has been keeping me busy, is that I moved. Moving is a ginourmous pain in the bollocks at the best of times, but trying to cram it all into a very limited window in a single day, when the flat I was moving out of was on the fourth floor (that’s the fifth floor if you’re American or from anywhere else where the ground floor is called the first floor.) and quite some distance from the lift, there are only two of us doing the moving and the only way we can transport the things from the flat to the van is using a cart/trolley thing that if we’re honest about it really can’t hold all that much. The actual loading of the van didn’t take long, it was all the pissing about with trolleys and lifts that took the time.

I have, after 8 years, swapped town-centre life for village life again. It’s a temporary situation – a halfway house as it were. My reasons for the move are many, varied and my own. Much as I enjoy being back out in the countryside, it has rather complicated my commute to work. Previously, that consisted of stumbling out of my front door ten minutes after I was meant to be at work, walking for the 7 minutes it took me to get to work before making sure I left the building on the dot of 1700 to walk the 6 minutes home (it’s downhill on the return leg).

I already miss the simplicity; My journey now is much more involved – were I expecting to be at my current lodgings much longer I would certainly have bought a car. I discovered that the village I am now resident in is distinctly lacking in the public transportation department. The earliest one can catch a bus into the town I work in is 0945 – it doesn’t arrive until 1035 and then there is still a 15 minute walk before I actually reach my office. Hrm. Well I’m not beyond taking some liberties with my start times for work, but even I don’t think I can get away with turning up to work almost three hours late.

My solution was simple enough. I’m a keen, if somewhat lapsed cyclist (By that I mean I really enjoy it, but haven’t been doing it enough for way too long and am out of shape as a result). I pondered cycling the entire ten miles – opted not to however as my office lacks shower facilities and I don’t think I or my office mates would particularly enjoy the result of me cycling ten miles without having the ability to shower when I arrived. Instead I cycle three miles to the nearest population centre with a semi-decent bus service. I lock my bike up at the handy bike rack things at the bus stop, then catch a bus into town. I still have to then walk for fifteen minutes to get to my office, but it’s an acceptable solution.

So there we go. I’ve added around fifty minutes to my commute in each direction and added 30 minutes of walking and 6 miles of cycling to every day. I’m actually quite enjoying it. The cycle in the morning wakes me up; on the bus I get a chance to read a book, something I rarely seem to have the time to do these days and I have no doubt the exercise is both beneficial for me and desperately needed.

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