kingfu.co.uk

Bullshit & Ignorance

October 22, 2012

Oh look a post

Yeah. I know. I haven’t posted in fucking ages. Had other stuff to do. However, I was sat at my PC doing webby stuff recently and so decided to write some stuff here, since doing so will no doubt massively improve the mean average quality of the internet in general. Seriously.

So what have I been up to the last however-the-fuck many months it’s been I hear you say? Mostly I’ve been shooting people. I get paid to do it these days. It’s pretty excellent. Training with various law enforcement agencies in these here You-knighted states. I get to be the bad guy. So they’re all “HEY YOU STOP THAT” and I’m all BLAMBLAMBLAM. I’d be more specific about it, but I signed an agreement to say I wouldn’t be, because they don’t want people knowing what happens in their training scenarios. Trust me though, it’s fun.

Also there are goats now. I don’t think there were goats the last time I wrote stuff here. There may have been, but I’m too lazy to look at previous posts. So yeah. Goats. They eat stuff and shit a lot. They also give us milk, which can become cheese. Just so you know, the goat milk/cheese you buy that tastes like arse is pasturised. There’s a protein in it that breaks down at the temperatures used to pasturise milk that adds that arse flavour. Rather than drink arse-flavoured milk, we just test the goats for the diseases that pasturising gets rid of. So we have milk that tastes of milk, not arse and don’t die of TB or anything. Good shit, hey?

Man. I tell you when I first started this blog I didn’t ever expect to a) be talking about goats or b) use the word pasturise anywhere so much.

What else? Hrm… oh yeah. Was my birthday on the 19th. There should have been a parade or something.

I helped to harass the chief sports writer (or whatever his fucking job title is) of Swindon’s local rag into asking an experienced diplomat who recently became Chairman of Swindon Town F.C. what his favourite cheese was. I consider that a great victory for all mankind.

Obviously there’s been other stuff too. I’m just too lazy to tell you about it.

April 30, 2011

Good Old Charlie

People like to say the British Royal Family don’t do anything, but how wrong they are. Yesterday they were all at some big knees-up, and today big Chas is right back to the grindstone. Off to go visit the new Royal Shakespeare Theatre. That’s working that is, and on a fucking Saturday no less! No doubt he was up all night doing tequila shots with the Duke of Edinburgh and the Queen and so on, so he’s probably absolutely hanging. Working, on a Saturday, with a hangover! That’s dedication that is. He’ll have to look at stuff and say “How delightful” and maybe even shake hands with commoners. Good work, fella.

March 6, 2011

DVD storage

As someone who has a tendency to buy a fuck of a lot of DVDs, I’ve often found it something of a struggle to store the bastard things. Commercial storage units are usually a) small b) expensive c) both. A DVD storage unit that costs 60 quid (Or the dollar equivalent these days!) that holds 300 DVDs sounds great until you realise you’ll need three or four of them.

Before I moved to the US I bought a couple of shelving units from a guy who used to run a DVD rental place. They were kinda ugly and massive – but cheap. I paid about £20 for the pair and they held around 700 discs each. When it came to moving to the States however I decided against shipping them with the rest of my stuff. Like I said, they were fucking massive and I was paying for shipping by volume.

So I decided to build my own. I’ve never really been what you might call a DIY enthusiast so I just kinda made it up as I went along. The end result was this:

dvd shelves

I know, awesome right?

I’ll now attempt to give instructions of some kind in case anyone feels like trying to build their own. You will need:

  • 4 8″x1″x6′ boards
  • 16 1/2″x48″ dowels
  • A drill with a 1/2″ spade bit
  • Wood screws (I used #8 x 1-1/2″ but you can probably use other shit, fucked if I know, like I said I was making it up as I went along.)
  • A screwdriver
  • A wood saw
  • A tapemeasure
  • A pencil or pen
  • A bit of paper or cardboard
  • Stickyback plastic, some empty washing up liquid bottles and a the cardboard tubes from a toilet roll.
  • Okay you don’t need any of the previous item, I just got caught up in that whole Blue Peter vibe.

Right, so now we have a big fuck off pile of stuff. This is how I did it, which may be cackhanded and have proper DIY types being all ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU TWAT!?” But bollocks to you, it worked so I figure I was doing it mostly right. Or got very lucky.

Step One

This is turning out to be a very professionally written thingamewhatsit I’m sure you’ll agree. Look at me using headers and stuff for the steps. Wait, I should be explaining what to do not wazzing on about how good my guide is, shouldn’t I. Moving swiftly on.

Get your tape measure and one of your big planky-things. The 8x1x6 things. Yeah those. Use your tape measure to mark the board at 9 inch intervals. That means every 9 inches. Why? Because I told you to, that’s why.

Step Two

Get your bit of paper or card, which needs to be at least 9 inches tall and 8 inches wide – probably should have mentioned that earlier but it’s not like I’m getting paid for this so you can’t expect me to care. Anyway; get that bit of card and cut it so that it fits exactly into one of the spaces you’ve just marked out on the board. Then, get a DVD case and position it so that it fits on the card, tilted back slightly. Use your spade bit (IN YOUR HAND NOT IN THE FUCKING DRILL. Just saying) to mark a circle under the front edge of the DVD, and another one at the back edge, near the top. I should probably do a diagram here because I’ve already done this and even I’m not sure what the fuck I’m talking about.

badly drawn diagram

It’s not to scale or anything, just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Okay? Okay.

Use the spade bit, or a knife or scissors or whatever to make the holes go all the way through (you may want to get an adult to help you with this if you’re a child or stupid or whatever) This will become a template.

Step…whatever the fuck I’m up to

Use the template to mark where the holes for the dowels will need to go on the board you marked the lines on. At this point, I put three of my boards together and used the spade bit to drill through all three at once. This means getting them all lined up and making sure they don’t move around too much and stuff. You can do it that way, or you can do them one at a time or however you like really. Again, using a power drill here so if you’re prone to self harm, or a child or whatever, probably best to get someone who’s less of a fuckwit to help. Also don’t do it on your floor, or whatever because you’ll make big holes in it. This should be common sense but I’m well aware that there are a huge number of people in the world who buy Apple products, which is a good indication that common sense is lacking in the world thus I figure it’s better to be safe than sorry. Really? An ipad? okay back on track..

The step after the one before

Get your saw. Cut your remaining 8x1x6 in half. Exactly in half, so measure it, with a tape measure or something. The two halves of the cut board will be the top and the bottom of the shelves. They go on top, and on the bottom…use screws and a screwdriver of some kind to attach them to the larger boards with the holes in, making sure that the holes in the three uprights are lined up. There should be one on each side and one in the middle. Look at the picture of the completed shelves if you hit your head hard, or are too drunk to know what I mean or whatever (if you’re really drunk you probably shouldn’t be doing this, since it involves pointy things and power tools. Just saying).

At this point I also attached another piece of wood across the back about half way up to give the frame more support. I don’t think it actually needs it once the dowels are in place but it might, so you might want to get another bit of wood and do it, or you might not, I don’t care either way since it’s not me it’s going to fall on if it’s not sturdy enough.

The next bit

Thread your dowels through the holes. All the way through. They’ll poke out the end. That’s because they’re longer than your shelves are wide, don’t panic or anything that was expected. Just cut them off at whatever length you want. You could probably do that before you thread them through but measure it if you’re going to because you’ll feel a right twat if you cut them first then realise your cackhanded carpentry has left you with the shelves slightly wider at the top than the bottom or something and you’ve cut the dowels too short.

That’s about it. Now you can put it wherever you want, and slap your DVDs on it. You could use a wall strap of some kind if you’re worried about it falling over, but it seems pretty secure to me once its full. Finished it should hold roughly 58 DVDs per shelf. With 8 shelves, that’s 468 DVDs on the unit total.

Price for materials will no doubt vary from place to place, but I got mine for a little under 40 USD, and the build took about an hour, maybe a little less.

October 19, 2010

Turning Thirty

Today is my thirtieth birthday. Thirty, that’s an age that when I was a child seemed so ancient. Properly old people were thirty – real grown-ups are thirty. As I’ve crept closer to that age myself I’ve fortified myself with the belief that thirty is the new twenty. I wasn’t totally sure about that though, so just in case I was wrong, I moved to another country and got married.

No, really I did. I moved out of the UK and now live in the US of A with my new wife. Go me! I’m a proper adult and everything now. Mostly.

As a result of the slow pace of the immigration process I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands recently, which I have used to good effect by catching up on my reading. I read Lemmy’s autobiography, “White Line Fever”, which was as enlightening as you can expect a book co-written by an aging speed freak to be, really. Entertaining enough mind.

On the recommendation of both my new wife, and my friend Solidus I have been reading my way through C.S. Friedman’s “Coldfire trilogy” I’d have finished it already, but, apparently we only had the first two books and for reasons I will probably never know, so did every bastard book shop in the entire of the United States. I checked them all, of course. Well, a handful of the ones near me anyway. Eventually I just bought it from Amazon because I couldn’t face the crushing disappointment of checking one more fucking bookshop to find they had the first two, but A HUGE GAP where the third one should be. Anyway, I have digressed some. In the gap where I was scouring the entire planet for a copy of “Crown of Shadows” I was bookless, and so once again stole a book from my wife’s shelves and read that while I waited.

The book I snatched was Boneshaker by Cherie Priest. My wife has two copies of this book, one is signed by the author, the other is not. I was happy to discover that the copy I had been reading was in fact the unsigned copy, as during the reading of said book, there was in incident involving two cats, the book and a cup of freshly brewed Earl Grey tea, with freshly squeezed lemon juice in it no less.

There are two other books in that series, too. Fortunately there is no need for me to scour the four corners of the earth to find them, as we have them already. Following the cats-and-tea incidents however, I am somewhat wary of reading the second in the series, which we have but the one copy of, and it’s a fancy hardback-no-longer-in-print-special-spangly-edition version and also signed. It would be just my luck the cats would decide to maim that one too.

Anyway. Good books are good. Read them if you haven’t already.

August 23, 2010

A few recommendations

The Expendables

I went to see The Expendables last night with a friend. As mentioned previously, I was looking forward to seeing it and I wasn’t disappointed. It had everything you’d want from an action film: An uncomplicated, largely implausible story that packs in as many clichés as possible. It makes sure that plot twists are kept to predictable kinks, more than actual twists as no one wants a complex story getting in the way of the punchy one-liners, wince-inducing violence and huge, largely unnecessary explosions.

If you don’t like action films, don’t see this film; It really is that simple. If you enjoy letting your brain go into standby while you ooh-and-ah at the special effects and superbly choreographed fight scenes, and have a chuckle at a never ending stream of one-liners, then go for it.

Mickey Rourke and Dolph Lundgren have relatively small parts, but both performances stood out for me. I thoroughly enjoyed it – Rumour has it that there is already a sequel in the pipeline, too.

Cage The Elephant

I picked up Cage The Elephant’s self titled album shortly after I heard their track ‘Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked’ on the game Borderlands. If you’re into guitar-driven music, these fellas might be worth a listen. I for one have enjoyed their music, particularly the tracks ‘In One Ear’ and ‘Back Stabbin’ Betty’.,

Also…

As August draws to a close, and September creeps ever nearer, the weather here in good old Blighty has been steadily deteriorating. A week or so ago some colleagues and I stopped into one of those ubiquitous £1 shops and snagged us some bargain umbrellas for, well, £1 shockingly. With our bargain umbrellas close at hand, we were confident of protection from the elements. Of course, having bought protection from the elements, it never actually rained when any of us needed to be out – until today that is.

Let me put it this way – There’s a reason that they only cost a pound. The lightest breeze turned the fuckers inside out, at which point they lost whatever structural integrity they may have had and wound up flapping around uselessly. I guess I stayed marginally drier than I would have if I’d been caught out in that sudden downpour without it, but not a great deal. In the ten minutes I was out in the rain, the umbrella was so badly damaged by the wind that it is now sat, a tangled mess of broken and bent metal struts, in my bin.

August 19, 2010

Stand your ground and fight

For the last few days, I’ve found myself listening to Motörhead – Heroes over and over again. I have no real explanation for my sudden obsession with this song; I’ve owned the Motörizer album since it came out, I’ve heard it plenty before, but for some reason it’s been stuck with me all this week.

Bike related stuff

As previously mentioned, my morning commute currently involves some cycling – The bike I ride is a lightweight hybrid, much more suited to road riding than anything else. I also own a mountain bike, which has front and rear suspension, huge knobbly tires and all the usual things you’d expect for a bike designed for use on rough terrain. On Tuesday evening, just as I set out home on my bike, my chain started jumping and slipping in a rather alarming fashion. I pulled the bike off the road and took a look. I’m not entirely sure how it happened, but somehow, one of the gears on the rear cassette (that’s the spindle of cogs on the back wheel in case you were wondering) had lost one tooth entirely, and another was badly bent, so much so that the cog itself had started to tear. The immediate effect of that was that it was making it impossible for me to use half of my gears, which made the ride home slower than usual.

Plans were set in motion to get a replacement the following day, but in the mean time I had to ride my other bike yesterday. It has to be said, that if you get used to riding a bike set up for roads, switching to riding a bike that really isn’t is a bit of a shock to the system. I think I described it to a friend as being like trying to cycle through jelly. Soft suspension and huge knobbly tires are fantastic for riding down the sides of mountains and all, but they make a real meal out of a largely flat road. With the new parts fitted to my road bike, this morning’s ride was a real pleasure by comparison.

Films!

On Sunday evening, I will be going to the cinema with a friend to watch The Expendables. I fully expect it to be a ridiculous story, packed with highly unlikely scenarios which stretch the suspension of disbelief to the point it becomes unrecognisable. Written and directed by, and starring Sylvester Stalone the film boasts a cast containing some, no scratch that – most of the biggest action movie stars of the last 30 years. Sly himself of course, relative new-kids Jet Li and Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Micky Rourke and even Arnie and Bruce Willis put in appearances. I’m sure it will be entirely over the top and very silly. I really hope so.

Other stuff

Following a conversation on IM, I have been trying to come up with an emo emoticon for the moments where words alone just don’t cut it. My best effort thus far has been //.( Do feel free to share some alternatives. If they’re any good, I’ll steal them and claim all the credit for myself.

June 15, 2010

The world is a strange place

This morning on my way to work, I was stopped by a little old lady, dressed in her summer finery, complete with an elegant sun hat with a bow that matched her dress. I was listening to music on my mp3 player at the time and so stopped and removed my earphones and explained that I hadn’t heard what she’d said on account of Lemmy screaming about the Ace of Spades in my ears. She smiled at me and, indicating to the sunglasses I had optimistically collected on my way out of my flat this morning and tucked into the the neck of my shirt she said, “I said those are very nice shades.”

I thanked her and she carried on about her business. I mean, they are quite nice I suppose, brushed metal frames and blue lenses, but it was still somewhat odd to be complimented on them by a passing little old lady! It reminded me of another incident, in the departure lounge at Dulles International Airport in America. Once again, I was listening to music when I was stopped by a passing man, who once earphones were extracted informed me he has just wanted to tell me he really liked my T-shirt, which in fairness was my Thundercats T-shirt that my sister gave me for Christmas a few years back and it is awesome, but I digress..

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never felt the urge to stop total strangers to make commentary on their attire. It doesn’t seem to be a widespread phenomenon either; Of the people I’ve told either or both of these stories too, none seem to have had similar experiences. Maybe I’m very approachable, or have such an incredible sense of style that even total strangers can’t help but comment. Or perhaps there’s absolutely no relevance to it whatsoever and I simply happen to have met two people who like to comment on the clothing choices of perfect strangers.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to it. It gave me a little chuckle both times, I just found it slightly strange!

May 14, 2010

Holy Crap Batman!

Tory-LibDem coalition! Who’d have thunk it! I’m going to resist the urge to dissect the possible pros and cons and just them get on with shit. I’ll spare them (and you) my predictions and pass my judgement after they’ve had time to fuck everything up actually do something. Should be an interesting time.

Enough politics though. I’ve about had my fill of it for the time being. Instead, allow me to link you to this video of Russell Howard’s Dail Mail Cancer Song, which I found deeply amusing! I’ve mentioned I hate the Daily Mail, right?

May 5, 2010

Be warned, this is going to get ranty…

I was going to write this yesterday, but horror of horrors I had actual work to do at work and my best laid schemes to spend my time writing articles for my personal website went aft, or something.

Yesterday morning I was linked an article, this article to be precise from the Boston Herald website. The article, for those of you who prefer to read through something before following links within it, is about a two year old boy called Jadm (That’s not even a name!) who took a sip from his Dad’s white Russian at a restaurant. Apparently, a waiter brought the drinks to the table and the kid picked it up and took a sip. So the mother of this child does what? She phones the police because, and I quote:

“I was so scared…I grabbed it out of his hand. Jeez. Try to get dinner and it’s a crime scene.”

Wait, what? it’s a crimescene? I hate her already.

Okay, so at this point we have a waiter bringing drinks to a table and some parents not watching their kids. The restaurant did what most businesses would and had the waiter apologise to smooth things over. This is where asshat of the month, the Dad of this kid has his finest moment:

“My son just drank alcohol. Sorry’s not going to cover it. I said to him, ‘Did you card my 2-year-old tonight?’ “

YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING CLOWN SHOE. The waiter didn’t serve your child an alcoholic drink, he put it on your table, which is what waiters do. You, as the parent of a small child are responsible for watching that child and making sure it’s not putting shit in its mouth its not meant to be.

Huge fuss over nothing. The whole thing smacks to me of the parents panicking, then going out of their way to blame the restaurant to deflect attention away from the fact they weren’t watching their kids. Guess what, fuckers? It’s not the rest of society’s job to watch your children for you. You spawned them, you take care of them.

Apparently they used to go to that restaurant all the time, but won’t be going back. I bet the staff are utterly devastated…

Oh, and the police shockingly enough found no evidence of any wrongdoing by the restaurant. Anyone else as surprised by that as I am?

April 27, 2010

And in the Red Corner…

I just read this article from RIA Novosti about the Ukrainian Parliament descending into chaos over the ratifying of a deal with Russia over a naval base and couldn’t help but laugh. Granted I don’t know anything about the situation and I’m sure there’s probably a good reason why many Ukrainians are so angry about it, but still, eggs and smoke bombs being thrown during a parliamentary session just tickles me.

Despite the heckling and jeering from the back benches in the House of Commons, I don’t believe we’ve ever had a full on brawl break out, which is something of a shame. Perhaps if we wind up with a hung Parliament after May 6th, we could decide who gets to be Prime Minister with a trial by combat.

In such an event I suspect Brown would really be up against it. He’s not only older than both Clegg and Cameron, but he’s blind in one eye which must limit his field of vision on that side. Cameron and Clegg strike me as fairly evenly matched; in a straight one-on-one the outcome would likely come down to preparation and conditioning. I would put Clegg ahead as a marginal favourite.

Of course, in the more likely event of a three-way bout everything changes. Raw pugilistic ability would need to be partnered with shrewd tactics. Brown and Cameron have plenty of bad blood between them, perhaps Clegg would be best advised to hold back and wait for Brown and Cameron to duke it out, then step in to take on whomever emerged the victor on the assumption they would have been weakened.

Brown and Cameron may both feel they can best the other, and double-team Clegg to take him out of contention so they can get back to the age old battle of Tory Vs. Labour.

Either way it would be the pay-per-view event of the century. in fact, I’m starting to think we shouldn’t bother with the election at all!

Older Posts »